Photo credit: sonofneocles.blogspot.com
The problem with assuming that everyone is an idiot but me is that it makes me blind to the rare occasions when people actually know what they are doing. In these cases, this attitude backfires, making me the one and only idiot on the scene. Let’s take a quick poll to see how most people would handle the following situations. Your answers will reveal a lot about how smart you think you are vs. how smart you really are.
Not that movie. No, I’m talking about this roll of toilet paper. This is the end (of a toilet paper roll):
Exhibit A
Not this:
Exhibit B
You might look at Exhibit A and think that because there is still some paper left on the roll, that it isn’t over, the roll is not done giving. But you would be wrong. That lonely white square is waving in surrender because that roll is done-zo.
But every now and then some little rascal* will try to get away with leaving you an Exhibit A. They delude themselves into thinking that this isn’t utterly useless. “What, I didn’t leave you with nothing, there was still some on there!” Oh really? What is it that you would have me do with this ‘something?’
If you are looking for a good movie to watch with the kids this weekend, try one of my favorites. It’s about a young girl who falls into prostitution after finding herself alone in a new city. By selling her body to the night, she and her drug addict roommate are just barely able to make ends meet. But things are looking up when she takes on a new client; all she has to do is pretend to be his girlfriend and occasionally bathe him and have sex with him in hotel dining rooms! They strike up a bond and in the final moments of the movie she discovers if he can stop treating her like a hooker and finally accept her for who she is.
Sounds good, right? The best part is, you don’t have to Netflix or Redbox it. It is probably playing on ABC Family this very moment! Right up there with Harry Potter and Toy Story is another beloved children’s classic: Pretty Woman. A movie about the luckiest prostitute in the world. And don’t forget Dirty Dancing, another ABC Family Classic, which takes place at what is essentially summer camp for adults. If summer camp is a place where your dance instructor will sleep with you for a wad of cash and where traveling doctors give botched abortions. Don’t get me wrong, I think these are fine movies…just not for an eight-year-old.
With a name like ABC Family, I had always assumed this channel was directed toward children and families. If I were a parent and asked my kid, “Hey, what are you watching down there?” and she answered “ABC Family!” I’d think, Oh okay, with a name like that it’s gotta be wholesome, never suspecting that my child was watching Julia Roberts give Richard Gere a blow job. Even if the network edits out that part, or the part where Jason Alexander forces himself on her, the movie is still always going to be about a prostitute. Which in itself is mature content. Until children’s books and Disney movies feature a strong female lead that is a hooker, I am not going to buy that this is a children’s movie.
Out of curiosity, I went to the ABC Family website to learn more about their mission and read that they “air movies that we think fit our audience’s tastes: all kinds of comedies, plus love stories, fantasies, select classics, and more.” Who is your audience that Richie Rich and Pretty Woman are on par with each other? I guess the answer is in their tagline: A New Kind of Family. The kind that wants their kids to learn about the fairytale of prostitution early on.
My sister recently had twins and while I love holding them, I am constantly scared of breaking them. I don’t know anything about babies and I worry I will do something wrong and inadvertently ruin their lives. But, I think I should give myself a little more credit. I do know the basics like don’t feed a baby hot sauce, don’t leave a baby on the changing table, and don’t stick your baby in a paper shredder.
So of course, when I see the warning label on this paper shredder I think, Duh, everybody knows that. But I sometimes forget, not everybody is as smart as me. So let’s review: when it comes to paper shredders, don’t put your hand in it, don’t put your Genie in a Bottle in it, and definitely don’t put your baby in it, especially after a fun day of playing soccer and holding balloons. If you are looking to get rid of your baby there are other less gruesome and more profitable ways to do it. Take a page out of this mom’s book and post an ad on Craig’s List. Don’t trust strangers? Neither do I. Keep it among friends and try selling your baby through Facebook like this mom. If you are a really savvy shopper, offer a bundled deal like she did — everybody likes a two-for. Don’t have a spare baby lying around? Dont worry! You don’t need a baby of your own to get in on this action. Tired of the volatility of the stock market? Double, even triple your investment in just days by getting a piece of the baby game. Buy a baby cheap like this guy, spruce it up, and then sell it for a whopping profit.
Hopefully you have realized that I am being heavily sarcastic to ridicule these despicable people – I would not want anyone to get confused and think that I condone baby trafficking or think of babies as illiquid assets. It is hard to believe that these stories are even true, but sadly they are. This is what you get when you stand in the way of birth control: people who act more like used car salesmen than proud, doting parents.
Is Everyone an Idiot but Me? 