The Truth about Salad

There are a lot of reasons not to like salad.

  1. It is boring as hell.
  2. It is boring as hell.

But I’ve realized lately why I really hate it: it takes too damn long to eat!

Everything I eat takes three and half minutes: burger, sub, burrito, pasta, tacos, etc. It’s like, bite, chew chew, swallow, breathe. Repeat 4-5 times. Wash hands. Back to business.

When I eat a salad it takes 30-45 minutes. Of my undivided attention.

It’s like, try to get the right amount on your fork – too little add more, too much knock some off, you knocked all of it off, start over. Good amount now but that one piece is pointing NE and another piece is pointing NW and if you tilt it one way to fit in your mouth, the other end is going to end up up your nose, so try to fold it over with a knife, keep trying, keep trying, okay a fork tine can’t pierce an arugula stem, forget it, start over. You finally get the right bite, it fits entirely into your mouth, now, begin chewing and don’t stop until you are dead (dat fiber doe!). Now, repeat 37 times. Even when I am eating salad alone, in which case none of the above applies (except the chewing part) because who gives a shit how I look eating it, it takes at least 30 minutes, which is, again, boring as hell.


But I guess this is all part of the genius of salad as a healthy option.

  1. It is a vegetable you accessorize with other vegetables. Win win.
  2. You are forced not to eat it in three and half minutes which, I’ll admit, is good for your digestion and risk of choking.
  3. You probably burn more calories than you consume just trying to eat it.
  4. It is so fucking boring and tedious that you give up and stop eating it at all. And even if you wanted to eat something else instead, you can’t, because it’s too late, because you’ve spent all night trying to eat your salad.

Well played, salad.


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