This is the End

Not that movie. No, I’m talking about this roll of toilet paper. This is the end (of a toilet paper roll):

Exhibit A

Exhibit A

Not this:

Exhibit B

Exhibit B

You might look at Exhibit A and think that because there is still some paper left on the roll, that it isn’t over,  the roll is not done giving. But you would be wrong. That lonely white square is waving in surrender because that roll is done-zo.

But every now and then some little rascal* will try to get away with leaving you an Exhibit A. They delude themselves into thinking that this isn’t utterly useless. “What, I didn’t leave you with nothing, there was still some on there!” Oh really? What is it that you would have me do with this ‘something?’

First of all, it is one square. Nobody has ever gotten anywhere with just one square. Even if I were one of The Borrowers, or Tinkerbell, or someone else so tiny that a square would suffice, this is no ordinary square. This square is lesser-than. Why do I discriminate against this square, you ask? Because it is glued to the roll. What am I going to do with a piece of paper covered in glue, hmm? Do you know what happens when glue mixes with liquid? I don’t want to wipe glue on myself and end up with my underwear papier-mâchéd to my crotch. I like me some arts and crafts, but not like that.

I suppose I could use the parts of the square that aren’t glued to the tube. Yes, let me just pull off the paper between the ribbons of glue. Now with these litmus strip-like slivers of toilet paper I will handle my business, like I am testing the acidity of my urine one drop at a time. Or maybe I will just grab the tube as is and wipe with that. I’ll just rotate it like I’m buttering some corn-on-the-cob. I mean these are all great options. I don’t know why I am complaining about the bounty of toilet paper you’ve left me!

I understand if you feel bad about letting that last square go to waste. If that is the case, find something to do with it. Use it to smush a bug on the wall. Use it to wipe one nostril of a slightly runny nose. Use it to remove all that excess toothpaste you left on the tube. Or, I dunno, put it in the recycling bin along with the cardboard tube that it is glued to. Do whatever you want, just don’t expect me to wipe my ass with it.

*If you are worrying that you might be the little rascal to whom I am referring, don’t. This post is a reaction to the many times I have been left high and not-so-dry in the bathroom, not to one specific culprit.

38 thoughts on “This is the End

  1. Pingback: Interviews: How to Put Your Best Foot Forward (and Not in Your Mouth) | Is Everyone an Idiot but Me?

  2. exhibit a is absolutely the end and don’t you hate when someone tries to tell you it is not! Of course if you left exhibit a you would get yelled at by your spouse for not changing it but if they do it they think there’s plenty left for you to use

  3. The problem at my house is that someone will go and get a new roll of toilet paper, and instead of taking the potential 5 seconds that it takes to to install it they just sit it on the edge of the sink. That way one of the cats can go in the bathroom later and knock it off into a wet sink or worse yet, into an open toilet. I cannot tell you how many times I have demonstrated what a simple task it is, while you are sitting there you can put it on the spool. No time wasted at all!

    • Hahaha that happens in our house too. I look at the roll and think, Really, you couldn’t be bothered to take three more seconds and put it on. But then when it’s my turn to replace it I know I’m thinking, Ugh but I already went and got the roll, haven’t I done enough?? Sometimes it will sit on the counter as we use it and gets down to half its size before someone takes the initiative to put it on the spool.

  4. I think this is hilarious! Hygiene verses laziness ( and thoughtfulness)… guess what wins out in my house!
    XX, Elle

  5. “I’ll just rotate it like I’m buttering some corn-on-the-cob.” LOVE this. For me, my TP rolls are usually like those in your pictures, because my toddler enjoys pulling all the paper off…so we have our heap of unused toilet paper on the counter, accompanied with a sadsack empty paper towel roll on the holder.

  6. Have you noticed that in the last year or so, that it’s no longer just one square that is hermetically sealed to the tube but several? And several are stuck with glue to each other when you get a fresh roll. I guess that’s why they come in packages of 72 rolls.

    I just discovered your blog (through a comment on someone else’s) I liked the name. If I may be so bold as to answer your question, yes. Everyone is an idiot. Except me and I’m thinking except you too.

    • So funny you mentioned that – I just noticed that the other day, I thought I was at the last glued sheet but when I pulled at it three or four sheets unraveled and they had all been soaked down with glue- what the hell! I am glad you like the name, and yes, you are absolutely right with your answer to the question!

  7. This gave me a good giggle. I’ve been in that situation several times, thanks to a certain adult rascal I know and love soooooooo much. I had to pay attention to the level of TP there was or face sitting in an awkward position wondering how am I going to escape this one.

  8. I once watched a lady, in a public restroom, get one of those last squares and blow her nose with it. It really freaked me out. Partly because it seemed icky, but also because I saw someone actually using that useless piece of paper.

  9. Oh this post is just classic!
    I have been caught in this particular predicament and it certainly is not fun!

    In my younger years I very well may have been the ‘Culprit’ as you so delicately put it, but no more, I have been left to call for assistance one too many times to do that to anyone else now a days!

    Great writing, I was doubling over laughing the entire read! 🙂

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