I’m still trying to figure out what I want to do with my life long-term. And anyone who tries to help me always asks the same question, “Well, what are you passionate about?” Yeah… I can see why you’d ask that, but I just think the chances are really slim that my answer to that question is going to connect directly with a career. What are you really expecting me to say?
“Well, Sally, I’m really passionate at looking at the big picture, making a list of action items and deadlines to achieve that big picture, and tracking them in Microsoft Access.”
“Omg, that’s perfect, you should be a project manager!!!”
“On the other hand, I’ve also always had this nagging feeling that I want to prepare profit and loss monthly statements, analyze budgets and review them, and compile other financial information.”
“What a coincidence, that is literally what accountants do, you’d love it!”
If it were that obvious, I wouldn’t be in this situation. I’m not a total idiot. “Gosh, I’m so passionate about helping sick people, I just don’t know how to translate that into a career!”
The things I’m passionate about aren’t real jobs. For example, I’m passionate about telling it like it is with a hint of sarcasm and caustic bitchiness. So I’d be great for a job where I stand at the entrance of an office building and harangue people who come in to work dressed inappropriately.
“Elastic-waist jeans…on a Tuesday? Retire. Now. You have obviously stopped trying.”
“You, in the short skirt, come here. Pick up this pencil I just dropped…. And I just saw your ass, you fail the Pencil Pickup Test! Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars. Just go back to the gentlemen’s club from whence you came.”
The Pencil Pickup Test – I think you know who’s failing here
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“Hey, yeah you pal, in the skinny leg khakis and grandpa sweater. This is an office, not a Fall Out Boy sound check. I don’t want to know what your calves are shaped like, get out of here with that.”
“Hey girl, love that sweater you are wearing – is that a gun with bullets coming out of it? Super edgy. But hey, given the shootings that happen like…every week…maybe that’s not the most work appropriate outfit. Maybe you can go home, pull your head out of your ass, and make a less ridiculous wardrobe choice, mmkay?”
To my knowledge, this job doesn’t exist, but it isn’t a bad idea. I’ve seen some wildly inappropriate outfits at work, but not once have I seen a manager reprimand someone for them. Because that is a very uncomfortable talk for a boss to have. “Candy, now I don’t know much about women’s shoes, but I think what you’re wearing are literally called ‘stripper heels.’ I heard somewhere that only sex workers wear clear plastic heels that are six inches high. We sell insurance here, not our bodies, so I’m going to have to ask you to change.”
Whether it’s telling someone she is dressed like a slut, or giving negative performance reviews, or firing someone, nobody likes to deliver the hard news. But I will do it. I volunteer for this dirty work.
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I could be an Efficient Feedback Delivery Specialist – aka blunt bad news bitch.
“Kathy, word on the street is you sleep at your desk all fucking day. I don’t know why in the world we’d pay you for that, so…you’re fired. Obviously. Okay, good talk, take care!”
“Tammy, your numbers are great, but nobody likes that you shout orders at them from down the hall and around the corner, so you’re getting a ‘Fails to Meet Expectations’ for Communication this year. For next year, try to be less of a lazy bitch.”
It would be awesome.
What is your dream job that may or may not exist?
Is Everyone an Idiot but Me? 
My dream is to win the lottery and never have to do a job. Ever!
Reblogged this on Unobstructed Me and commented:
I feel like I could “reblog” all your blogs….fantasticness
“Hey, the jerk store called and they’re running out of you!”
I could use that one
My dream job? NOT HAVING A JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ooh excellent point!
One can fantasize, right?
But I do like your idea of being able to say whatever is on my mind. I might even do that for free.
Yeah it’s getting hard to hold back
Are you getting old and cranky already?
I think I’ve been old and cranky since I was two years old
HAH! Then you’re either a LOT of fun to be around or scary to be with…..
I’ll say the former
May have to test that theory someday. But since I’m in Ecuador no worries of that being anytime soon.
Well, you could just remain out of control and see what develops – not a job, as such, but always works for me 😉
Haha that could work too
Sadly, I selected the wrong winner of the pencil pick up test.
Haha maybe you have a different perspective on what a win is in this situation
I think you just described bartender, except you’d have to be behind a bar. On the other hand, maybe Louis CK is looking for a sidekick. Me, my ultimate job would be beer taster, or wine, yeah that would be nice. Hey, maybe we could team up! You tend the bar and snark at the people and I’ll taste your beer.
Sounds like a pretty good plan!
That job would be absolutely amazing, and you seem like you’d be really good at it. When you land it, will you hire me? I think my dream job would be getting paid to wake up in the middle of the night to wonder why more people aren’t scared of Dr. Seuss characters.
Hahaha I love that! I will hire you, and we can be flexible with your schedule if you start losing too much sleep with your Dr. Seuss job
There are people who do this job in their own homes. They are called mothers. *grin*
haha true, the good ones at least!
“Fall Out Boy sound check” That’s pretty funny.
They love their skinny jeans!
Yeah, I think this job sounds amazing too! Honestly, there are PLENTY of people making a living out of snarkiness. It’s called blogging. 😉
True, I’m not quite at the make a living point yet
Ummmm I want this job too so let me know if you hear of any openings!
Haha will do I bet we’d make a good team !
Editors are some of the best writers and meanest people.
Hmm…hook a girl up!
Start with some freelance work. Pitch an idea to the Weekend section and get your foot in the door over here. We have a feature called Try This that is usually written by freelancers. Go read some clips, send me some ideas and I’ll happily vouch for you.
Thank you I will start brainstorming!
LOL! We have a few at the office that look like they just came off the shift at a strip club. No one is allowed to say anything for fear of HR backlash. Personally, all this being too PC nowadays takes the fun out of innocent office flirtation, or just being able to say anything!
So true, ppl walk on eggshells so much while others get away with anything
SUCH a good post. Thanks for confirming that I’m not alone. I’m very new to your blog. It’s great.
Personally, I think all firms should have an office clown or ‘happiness engineer/co-ordinator’. Whose responsibility it would be to walk around distracting and entertaining co-workers at pre-determined times. Which is essentially what I did at my last firm. Except is was under the guise of a tax adviser and the times were determined by me… This could explain why they weren’t unhappy to see me go…
Haha an office clown is a great idea!
I think the job you descrobe already exist. You can be a ralk show host of fashion Police…. or you can be a politician.
Ooh fashion police would be fun !
Sounds like you’d make a good comedian. Or perhaps a sitcom actor…
I don’t think I have the wherewithal to hack it in show biz, but it would be fun!
Well, those are where those talents would be useful…
Yeah, what he said. Telling it like it is with a hint of sarcasm and caustic bitchiness is called being a stand-up comedian or a writer for a TV show (sitcom or talk show).
I would recommend you become a Walmart greeter, but I fear you might have an aneurism. As for me, I would like to be a “Bacon-Wrapped Hot Dog Taster” when I grow up. Great read BTW!
That is a great idea! I would test any kind of bacon wrapped food really, to get my foot in the door ya know. And you are right, I think greeting ppl at Walmart would make my head explode.
Hmm, we have so much in common. I am looking for a career in witty banter, sparkling conversation, snark and sarcasm. And having already spent more than 20 years being blunt and bitchy with people (we call that HR) I can tell you it’s not as much fun as you would think. You already know people don’t get subtlety, but they don’t get blunt, explicit either.
“Why did you mark me down for interpersonal relations?”
“Because you yell at your colleagues. You yell at ME, and I’m your boss”
“I DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT I NEVER YELL!!!”
And so on, and so on.
haha, that would drive me crazy!
Movie and food critic! Free movies, free meals….AND I get to talk shit 😉
Being a critic is a tough gig to break into… I have no credentials to make my opinions on food or movies important
but it sure would be awesome!
You sound like a good writer to me!
I suppose that is something I enjoy that is a real career….but I want to yell at people!!
I would enjoy a position like that! Tammy, you’ve got a pretty smoking hot ass! “Thank you, don!” Yeah, but you’re fired because you’re stupid. Lol. Yay!
Haha, you are perfect for it, you obviously have the sandwich approach down: compliment, bad news, positive comment
That’s exactly what this overly-P.C. worls needs, some fair dinkum honesty…
I concur
omigosh..you’re in luck. i have the job for you. i’m recruiting! http://icescreammama.com/2013/03/18/sorry-but-you-really-look-terrible-in-that-shirt-oh-and-fix-your-hair-youre-welcome/