So You’re Saying Don’t Put My Baby in the Paper Shredder?

My sister recently had twins and while I love holding them, I am constantly scared of breaking them. I don’t know anything about babies and I worry I will do something wrong and inadvertently ruin their lives. But, I think I should give myself a little more credit. I do know the basics like don’t feed a baby hot sauce, don’t leave a baby on the changing table, and don’t stick your baby in a paper shredder.

So of course, when I see the warning label on this paper shredder I think, Duh, everybody knows that. But I sometimes forget, not everybody is as smart as me. So let’s review: when it comes to paper shredders, don’t put your hand in it, don’t put your Genie in a Bottle in it, and definitely don’t put your baby in it, especially after a fun day of playing soccer and holding balloons. If you are looking to get rid of your baby there are other less gruesome and more profitable ways to do it. Take a page out of this mom’s book and post an ad on Craig’s List. Don’t trust strangers? Neither do I. Keep it among friends and try selling your baby through Facebook like this mom. If you are a really savvy shopper, offer a bundled deal like she did — everybody likes a two-for. Don’t have a spare baby lying around? Dont worry! You don’t need a baby of your own to get in on this action. Tired of the volatility of the stock market? Double, even triple your investment in just days by getting a piece of the baby game. Buy a baby cheap like this guy, spruce it up, and then sell it for a whopping profit.

Hopefully you have realized that I am being heavily sarcastic to ridicule these despicable people – I would not want anyone to get confused and think that I condone baby trafficking or think of babies as illiquid assets. It is hard to believe that these stories are even true, but sadly they are. This is what you get when you stand in the way of birth control: people who act more like used car salesmen than proud, doting parents.

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13 thoughts on “So You’re Saying Don’t Put My Baby in the Paper Shredder?

  1. You should reconsider the hot sauce. As a very young child, my daycare would smear hot sauce all over the tongue of any child who used profanity. Needless to say, I developed a taste for spicy foods early on … and I was trained to swear to my heart’s content. Life is good.

  2. Damnit. There goes my threat for not doing chores. I always show my kids the faceless girl so they know what will happen to them if I have to use my shredder. Go ahead. Don’t pick up your shoes.. the shredder is waiting…. So much more fun than a belt or wooden spoon.

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