Eating for Two

Eating for two sounds fun, but not when it’s for your multiple personalities.

This is me at the store:

Should I get these cookies? No, I am healthy. Just the broccoli for me today.

This is me at home:

spongebob
nO, i’M hEaLthY. I onLY eAt bRoCCoLi

Fuck. This.  Broccoli – enjoy your stay! I’ll be over here melting chocolate chips on a cracker.

I can’t seem to reconcile these two beings. At the store, I am Mom, who thinks apples make a healthy snack between meals. At home, I am her three-year-old child, who doesn’t WANT to eat an APPLLLLLLEEEEEE, MOM! UUUUUGH *throws apple to the ground*.

And so sits the bag of apples. I might take them out of the bag, arrange them into a pyramid. Pick out that one that somehow has already rotted through from the inside and send a picture to a group chat. Ew! But other than that, I want nothing to do with them. Knowing this about myself, I started to buy one apple at a time. And at the end of the week, when I finally worked up the motivation to eat that lone apple, I would allow myself to grocery shop once again. Buying one apple at a time though is not the best plan in today’s ‘go to the store as infrequently as possible’ environment.

Even when I manage to eat healthy, it is just. not. filling.

To me, eating a healthy dinner just means that at 8pm I’m going to get hungry. And that at 9pm I’m going be close to deciding if I should go eat something. And that at 10pm, I’m going to be pouring syrup over a stack of waffles. Which, I think, is ultimately less healthy than just eating whatever I wanted for dinner in the first place and calling it a day.

In Support of Moderate Exercise, Occasionally

I always thought the reason I couldn’t stick to a consistent exercise schedule was because I am a lazy shit with no willpower. But now I’m thinking it’s because the best day of any workout stretch is the first one. When you haven’t done squat for a while, whatever you do on your first day back is going to leave you sore. Not so sore you cant sit down on the toilet – you always ease into it on your first day back with a good 7-12 minutes of effort. That’s enough to leave you with the oh-so-delicious type of sore. The “I didn’t know these muscles existed” type of sore. The type of sore that has you walking around feeling like every muscle in your body is tight. And when you feel like every muscle in your body is tight, you also feel like you LOOK like every muscle in your body is tight. So even though you are the same sack of shit you were yesterday, you are strutting around like a fucking fitness model whose ass has its own Instagram account. Assuming you don’t pass any mirrors you start to think, “Wow, am I just the fittest, sexiest bitch on earth? Yeah, I think I am. Cool.” And who doesn’t want to feel like that for just 7-12 minutes of work. It’s a bargain! Can’t beat it. And unless you actually put in the work to become a fitness model, you can’t maintain that feeling. So, it’s probably best to stop there and pick it up again in a few months, right?

The Truth about Salad

There are a lot of reasons not to like salad.

  1. It is boring as hell.
  2. It is boring as hell.

But I’ve realized lately why I really hate it: it takes too damn long to eat!

Everything I eat takes three and half minutes: burger, sub, burrito, pasta, tacos, etc. It’s like, bite, chew chew, swallow, breathe. Repeat 4-5 times. Wash hands. Back to business.

When I eat a salad it takes 30-45 minutes. Of my undivided attention.

It’s like, try to get the right amount on your fork – too little add more, too much knock some off, you knocked all of it off, start over. Good amount now but that one piece is pointing NE and another piece is pointing NW and if you tilt it one way to fit in your mouth, the other end is going to end up up your nose, so try to fold it over with a knife, keep trying, keep trying, okay a fork tine can’t pierce an arugula stem, forget it, start over. You finally get the right bite, it fits entirely into your mouth, now, begin chewing and don’t stop until you are dead (dat fiber doe!). Now, repeat 37 times. Even when I am eating salad alone, in which case none of the above applies (except the chewing part) because who gives a shit how I look eating it, it takes at least 30 minutes, which is, again, boring as hell.

 

But I guess this is all part of the genius of salad as a healthy option.

  1. It is a vegetable you accessorize with other vegetables. Win win.
  2. You are forced not to eat it in three and half minutes which, I’ll admit, is good for your digestion and risk of choking.
  3. You probably burn more calories than you consume just trying to eat it.
  4. It is so fucking boring and tedious that you give up and stop eating it at all. And even if you wanted to eat something else instead, you can’t, because it’s too late, because you’ve spent all night trying to eat your salad.

Well played, salad.