The Truth about Salad

There are a lot of reasons not to like salad.

  1. It is boring as hell.
  2. It is boring as hell.

But I’ve realized lately why I really hate it: it takes too damn long to eat!

Everything I eat takes three and half minutes: burger, sub, burrito, pasta, tacos, etc. It’s like, bite, chew chew, swallow, breathe. Repeat 4-5 times. Wash hands. Back to business.

When I eat a salad it takes 30-45 minutes. Of my undivided attention.

It’s like, try to get the right amount on your fork – too little add more, too much knock some off, you knocked all of it off, start over. Good amount now but that one piece is pointing NE and another piece is pointing NW and if you tilt it one way to fit in your mouth, the other end is going to end up up your nose, so try to fold it over with a knife, keep trying, keep trying, okay a fork tine can’t pierce an arugula stem, forget it, start over. You finally get the right bite, it fits entirely into your mouth, now, begin chewing and don’t stop until you are dead (dat fiber doe!). Now, repeat 37 times. Even when I am eating salad alone, in which case none of the above applies (except the chewing part) because who gives a shit how I look eating it, it takes at least 30 minutes, which is, again, boring as hell.


But I guess this is all part of the genius of salad as a healthy option.

  1. It is a vegetable you accessorize with other vegetables. Win win.
  2. You are forced not to eat it in three and half minutes which, I’ll admit, is good for your digestion and risk of choking.
  3. You probably burn more calories than you consume just trying to eat it.
  4. It is so fucking boring and tedious that you give up and stop eating it at all. And even if you wanted to eat something else instead, you can’t, because it’s too late, because you’ve spent all night trying to eat your salad.

Well played, salad.


54 Thoughts I Had Watching Moana

  1. When you take the heart out of Te Fiti and the world starts to crumble, wouldn’t you be like, “Hm, there might be some major consequences to this.”



  2. Gran knows how to tell a story.
  3. Denial makes for bad leadership, Chief.
  4. I guess Moana’s parents know she is drown proof? That is why a two-year-old is walking into the ocean alone, I assume.



  5. Oh good, here come some adults. Full of sudden concern for the whereabouts and well-being of their baby.
  6. Great, more coconut propaganda. Everybody’s obsessed with coconuts. I don’t think they are that great for you! #readaboutit
  7. Mr. I Don’t Know Where My Small Child Is has become quite the helicopter parent. And he is laying on the ‘you must never leave’ guilt pretty thick. “Under the Sea” was a more fun version of this message.
  8. Like he won’t even let her look at a boat. If you pull the leash too tight it’s gonna break, man. Parenting 101.
  9. Digging the dance moves.
  10. Um, that tattoo looks incredibly painful.
  11. Moana, don’t act like you aren’t impressed with that kid’s moves.



  12. Aw, Chief-in-Training.
  13. Oooh, I see. Chief has the “responsible for my best friend’s death” guilt. Classic.
  14. This is a good example of how kids these days think they know everything despite having no experience. Even though her dad thinks it’s too dangerous for grown men who sail and fish for a living to go beyond the reef, Moana be like, ” But I got this.” And 15 meters out she has destroyed her boat and gotten trapped under water. Good work.



  15. I’m glad you didn’t drown, hun, but you just destroyed that reef. Rude.
  16. I aspire to be the Village Crazy Lady.
  17. I think ‘Bang the Drum’ is a metaphor for stopping to think about your life.


    But in this case it is also literal because she has a magic drum to tell her what to do.

  18. What the fudge!? (buffering)
  19. What a cool mom.
  20. Moana so cute with her top bun!
  21. I know this is a cartoon movie but this stuck in the middle of the ocean under a storm scene is giving me anxiety. Meanwhile, Moana’s dad must be having a heart attack wondering if his daughter is alive this whole time. And he probably isn’t speaking to his wife who was like, “Here, only child and future leader of our island, let me help you pack for your death trip! Laterz!”
  22. Moana, you can’t just yell at the ocean like you own it. Show some gratitude, you should be dead. Good fish pee burn, though.
  23. Moana has her Inigo Montoya down.
  24. Maui actually reminds me of someone I know in real life and it’s freaking me out.
  25. I don’t blame Moana for getting caught up in this song, it’s catchy as shit. But when you find someone who has been stranded on an island for a thousand years…keep your eyes on your boat. #Streetsmarts
  26. More Moana hubris – let me run into this gigantic boulder and expect it to move. Be real, girl. Stick to the parkour.
  27. Killer coconuts are the new minions. #spinoff?
  28. Self-taught is what they always say on Project Runway as an excuse for being bad at something. “This dress is glued together.” “Well, I am self-taught…”
  29. Grabbed that banana out his hands like a Boss Bitch.
  30. Is Maui wearing underwear climbing up that mountain. I feel like no.
  31. “You’re eight? Can’t Sail? Makes sense.” Thank you, that’s what I’m saying!
  32. Kooky dooks sounds like a term for digestive issues. “I can’t go, I’ve been having kooky dooks :/
  33. Maui is funny.
  34. The Rock really should be president. What can’t he do?
  35. I like how Moana just escaped death from a giant Venus Fly Trap and her big concern is, “Ew there is a tongue wrapped around me.” Cuz I would be thinking the same thing. Priority One- get this gross thing off me. Priority Two- reflect on near death.
  36. Who wore it best?

    top bun


  37. “But did you like my song?” Everybody has good priorities in this movie.
  38. Nunya Business. Moana, you walked into that one.
  39. “What’s this tattoo for?” Well, Moana, it’s of a woman discarding a baby, so it can’t possibly be a good story, but definitely keep pressing for it.
  40. Yes, as suspected, his mother threw him away. Not a sensitive subject at all. Are you happy now Moana?
  41. Is it just us, or is there some romantic tension here. It’s like teacher/student vibe but a little something extra. He stands just a little too close. Looks just a little too long…
  42. This is the part where we learn the value of practice and never giving up. Thanks, Disney.
  43. “I thought we could make it.” Well you thought wrong.
  44. Do all Disney princesses fall to their knees crying at some point? I’ve never done that, and I’ve been pretty upset.



  45. “I am Moana!” is my new motivational phrase. Every time I make it to the gym, I’m going to walk through the doors, and lean forward, like I’m on the edge of that boat, and shout, “I AM MOANAAAA!” And people will be like “Oh yeah, she here to do work.” And I’ll be like, “No, I’m just going to walk on the treadmill, but that is a big deal for me and I am still really proud of myself.”
  46. Top bun is back, so you know she means business.
  47. Hei Hei for the win.
  48. Uh, why doesn’t Te Ka just walk over. Why must she be crawling. If you have lava arms you can have lava legs.
  49. The power of song, amiright?
  50. So we have learned that Te Ka was Te Fiti the whole time, showing you what happens when you piss off a woman. And you thought this movie was about empowered females. I have to give Geeky Jewish Princess credit for that observation because, to be honest, I wasn’t reading that much into it. I’m just here for the music, ya’ll.
  51. Why does Te Fiti remind me of a Beyonce pregnancy photo shoot.


    See, the internet knows. Credit:

  52. When a guy says something stupid to you instead of apologizing. 


    “Nope. Try again.” Credit:

  53. Te Fiti is taking a nap now because holding a grudge for 1,000 years is exhausting.
  54. Moana sails in like, “I’m back bitches! You’re welcome. #itoldyaso.”

Pin-heads: Mommy and Me

In life, there are some places you are more likely to encounter idiots than others. Like a Justin Beiber concert. The same is true of the internet, and Pinterest is sadly one of those highly concentrated idiot hubs. I can’t scroll a mouse without bumping into a gaggle of idiot pinners. Like the 179 people who thought this was a good idea:
Picture 1

Yes, finally! Some mommy-daughter matching that makes sense! People will appreciate how cute and coordinated you are when you are grocery shopping or dropping your daughter off at school in your underwear! These are the memories your daughter will look back on fondly…in therapy.

Nine Reasons to Celebrate ‘No Pants Day’

Try as I might, I just can’t get a handle on the point of No Pants Day. But thanks to this collection of photos from, and my powers of deduction, I have come up with nine potential reasons to participate.

1. Give old men something to look at.

No Pants Subway Ride Day 2014 hits trains worldwide

“Honey, can you get out of my way, I’m trying to get a picture of this girl’s butt.”

2. Get attention while acting like you are oblivious to the attention, when really you are loving the attention.

No Pants Subway Ride Day 2014 hits trains worldwide

“Tra-la-la. Just another day at the office. Let me just make some notes, check the time, have I forgotten anything? Nope, all good here.”

3. Get a whole row of seats to yourself on the subway.

No Pants Subway Ride Day 2014 hits trains worldwide

4. Make people that much more uncomfortable when packed ass-to-groin in a train car.

No Pants Subway Ride Day 2014 hits trains worldwide

“Scoot on back, lady, there’s plenty of room over here!”

5. Reinforce the disdain people have for millennials.

No Pants Subway Ride Day 2014 hits trains worldwide

You just know this lady is shaking her head thinking, “This bitch.”

6. Get blatantly, unabashedly, point-blank, downright, straight-up ogled.

No Pants Subway Ride Day 2014 hits trains worldwide

7. Have an image of your ass captured and stored for all eternity by countless strangers.

No Pants Subway Ride Day 2014 hits trains worldwide

“I will sleep soundly tonight knowing all these men have a picture of me in my underwear.”

8. Scar a child for life.

No Pants Subway Ride Day 2014 hits trains worldwide

“Oh the humanity!”

9. Show off the goods to attract potential mates.

No Pants Subway Ride Day 2014 hits trains worldwide

She is not impressed.

No Pants Subway Ride Day 2014 hits trains worldwide

But she is.