Nine Reasons to Celebrate ‘No Pants Day’

Try as I might, I just can’t get a handle on the point of No Pants Day. But thanks to this collection of photos from TotallyCoolPix.com, and my powers of deduction, I have come up with nine potential reasons to participate.

1. Give old men something to look at.

No Pants Subway Ride Day 2014 hits trains worldwide

“Honey, can you get out of my way, I’m trying to get a picture of this girl’s butt.”

2. Get attention while acting like you are oblivious to the attention, when really you are loving the attention.

No Pants Subway Ride Day 2014 hits trains worldwide

“Tra-la-la. Just another day at the office. Let me just make some notes, check the time, have I forgotten anything? Nope, all good here.”

3. Get a whole row of seats to yourself on the subway.

No Pants Subway Ride Day 2014 hits trains worldwide

4. Make people that much more uncomfortable when packed ass-to-groin in a train car.

No Pants Subway Ride Day 2014 hits trains worldwide

“Scoot on back, lady, there’s plenty of room over here!”

5. Reinforce the disdain people have for millennials.

No Pants Subway Ride Day 2014 hits trains worldwide

You just know this lady is shaking her head thinking, “This bitch.”

6. Get blatantly, unabashedly, point-blank, downright, straight-up ogled.

No Pants Subway Ride Day 2014 hits trains worldwide

7. Have an image of your ass captured and stored for all eternity by countless strangers.

No Pants Subway Ride Day 2014 hits trains worldwide

“I will sleep soundly tonight knowing all these men have a picture of me in my underwear.”

8. Scar a child for life.

No Pants Subway Ride Day 2014 hits trains worldwide

“Oh the humanity!”

9. Show off the goods to attract potential mates.

No Pants Subway Ride Day 2014 hits trains worldwide

She is not impressed.

No Pants Subway Ride Day 2014 hits trains worldwide

But she is.

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The Folly of My Food Truck Fanaticism

With any craze, there comes a point when you need to stop and ask yourself, Why am I doing this again? For example, everyone in America standing in line in the hot, hot sun or the freezing cold for a measly cupcake should be asking themselves, Is this really worth 45 minutes of my life? Meanwhile, I am asking myself what is so great, really, about food trucks?

I love the idea of food trucks. I walk up to a line of trucks and feel downright giddy. I’m a kid in a candy shop with all these promising choices. I have but one thought and it is,
But obviously I can’t. So after careful deliberation I pick a truck and get in line. But as I’m waiting, euphoria wears off and reality sets in. I start to realize, Hmm, standing outside a running truck inhaling exhaust fumes for ten minutes has really curbed my appetite and has in fact made me quite nauseous.
And then I look at the prices and think, Why does this cost ten dollars again? There’s no shelter from the elements, no place to sit and eat, no ambience, no service, and often no utensils or napkins. There is literally just the food. So without all that overhead to incorporate into the price, why is my lunch still so expensive? I thought the trade-off of eating out of the back of a truck would be that it cost…like…a dollar.
Then I eat my food and am almost always disappointed. In hindsight I realize, Well of course this is never as good as it sounds. Because it was made in a truck.
Why would I expect otherwise? Why would food taste better just for having been made in a truck? I think for me, this misconception comes from the fact that each truck has its own specialty. There is the pho truck, the BBQ truck, the dumpling truck, the seafood truck, the pizza truck, etc. So if this is the one thing they do, they must do it well! If only that were so. Sometimes, serving a limited menu means that you can buy food in bulk, make it all in advance, and scoop it out of crock pot A, B, or C as customers order. So while a cilantro lime fish taco always sounds good on paper, a dollop of defrosted baby shrimp bought in a ten-pound bag from Costco and cooked hours prior is never the fresh and tasty treat I had in mind. And yet I keep coming back, still deluded into thinking that this ten-dollar grilled cheese is going to transcend the possibilities of bread and cheese because it has a whole truck devoted to it, and that means something, dammit. 

You’re Doing Snow Days Wrong

It’s a habit that is developed early in life and never seems to fade. From that first winter in Kindergarten (even though Kindergarten is fun, much more fun than a full-time job, and those kids have no right to complain), we learn to wish for the magic of a Snow Day. Some have a dance or a chant, while others rely on the power of prayer. “Oh my God, God, please don’t make me go to school tomorrow.” But for every flake of snow or drop of freezing rain that is forecast, we are united in the common hope that we can have one blissful day of sleeping in and wearing pajamas and not having talk to a single person.

And along with these habits of hoping come the rituals for compulsively checking if your dreams have come true. Thanks to the internet, you can easily check your status online, hitting refresh repeatedly until something changes. Or better yet, just wait for a text, tweet, or email alert. But back in my day there was a little more effort and stress involved.  You could watch the news, hoping to see the name of your county scroll across the bottom of the screen – your breath catching in your chest as each new name appeared and your heart dropping when you saw one repeat, meaning the list had come and gone without your school on it. Or maybe you’d call the inclement weather hotline, which was faster, but still full of suspense. They always started with the date. Ok blablabla we know what day it is, cut to the chase! Then they’d state the county, “Montgomery County Schools are…” and you’d analyze the tone of the recorded voice. “Oh yeah she sounds like it’s serious, she is enunciating like she has really important information to convey, we are totally closed,” or “Oh no, she sounds so nonchalant and a little dismissive, like we are idiots to even be calling because obviously schools aren’t closed. Crap, we are so open.” And then there is that long pause right before the one part you really want to hear, like when Ryan Seacrest announces who didn’t get enough votes on American Idol, because I guess they are under the impression that people are patient and like to wait for things – because that is what America is about: delayed gratification. In any case, the moment of truth is upon you. “Schools are…”

And then finally, the verdict: Closed. And your heart soars, trumpets sound, confetti flies.

But not for everyone. Apparently there are people who couldn’t be bothered to check the weather and just show up to work on time every day like fools! Yesterday, my office had a two-hour delay due to snow. When I arrived at work, I overheard a woman explaining that she had no idea there was a delay and arrived first thing in the morning. My immediate reaction was,

No idea? Lady, when you wake up and see snow outside, you check for closings! Fact. That is the first thing you do. Even if you think, “No, they couldn’t possibly close for this!” Yes, yes they could. Are you new here? They have and they do and they will again. It doesn’t take much. That is the beauty of it. I mean, I didn’t even SLEEP that night because every 30 minutes I asked myself, Do you think they’ve decided yet, should I check now?? I basically lost 8 hours of sleep wondering if I’d be getting 2 extra. But I at least knew what was going on.

Then today, the forecast was for snow in the early morning. Like any sane person, I went to bed planning to wake up, check the internet, and go back to bed because obviously, everything would be closed. But my sweet snowy slumber was interrupted by a phone call from my boss letting me know that the office was closed. This was very nice, but buddy, when there is a day off of work at stake, I make it my business to know. I may have had grilled cheese for dinner every night for the past week, but this? I’m on top of it. I don’t mess around with Snow Days.

‘Tis the Season…

…to be forced into buying crappy gifts for people just to fulfill an obligation. Fa la la la la la la la.

Before you get your Santa suit in a twist, let me say, I love giving someone a gift I know they will enjoy and appreciate. What I hate is spending time and money to buy something…anything…for an acquaintance, even though they will probably hate it, because it is part of a “fun” gift exchange or because they are getting me something so now I have to get them something, only to be filled with the satisfaction and joy that their inevitable look of poorly stifled disappointment brings:

Credit: fusepilates.com

Credit: fusepilates.com

That just warms your heart.

My gut reaction to that look is, “Okay, fuck you then. You get nothing!” Although, I don’t entirely blame them. They are trying. It is just very, very difficult to pull off the perfect ‘I don’t like this at all but I am going to look so genuinely excited and grateful that you can’t tell’ face. You have to be quick on your feet – if you show even a flash of disappointment before painting on a smile, it’s over. But, in your rush to show excitement and appreciation, be careful not to overdo it – that is also an immediate tell. Your level of excitement must be proportionate to the gift. If someone buys you an ugly pair of Christmas socks, you can’t use excitement to cover up your true feelings. Saying, “Yes, socks! I can’t believe it, I love love love these, OMG this is amazing! I have to Instagram these right now,” could only be perceived as sarcasm.

Yes, there is a lot of thought and skill that goes into pulling off the perfect fake response. I myself can’t do it. I fight a constant battle between not wanting to be rude and not wanting to lie, and this internal conflict manifests in my face. The attempted smile is always pulled back by the ‘Yeah, I don’t want this crap’ face and it ends up looking like this:

Photo credit: amorsthoughts.wordpress.com

Photo credit: amorsthoughts.wordpress.com

How about, instead of buying each other shit we don’t want… we do nothing! Let’s just exchange season’s greetings and call it a day. How about you take the money you were going to spend on me, and buy something you actually want, and I’ll take my money, and buy what I want, which I’ve actually been doing all year, because I am self-sufficient and don’t depend on casual acquaintances to buy me things.

Some might argue that a gift card is a way around the gift exchange dilemma. But at that point, why bother? A gift card is almost like giving someone cash, but with the caveat that they can only spend it where you say so. So it is actually worse than giving someone cash because at best, you’ve exchanged bills out of your wallet, and at worst, you’ve exchanged those bills for a plastic card that you can’t use.

A friend of mine was forced into a gift exchange at work, specifically a gift card exchange.  I consider this to be the height of stupid. They are literally going to stand in a circle and trade $25. Why is that fun? “You’ll never guess what I got at work today – after paying $25, I got $25 back!” You don’t even get to unwrap it, and we all know that is half the fun of presents. I did a lot of online shopping for myself last week and I’m very seriously considering wrapping that stuff up just to open it Christmas morning. Maybe taking this gamble with a gift card exchange is fun in the way that Russian Roulette is fun, but instead of not getting shot in the head, your rush of adrenaline comes from not getting the Olive Garden gift card.

Photo credit: knowyourmeme.com

Photo credit: knowyourmeme.com