Not that movie. No, I’m talking about this roll of toilet paper. This is the end (of a toilet paper roll):
You might look at Exhibit A and think that because there is still some paper left on the roll, that it isn’t over, the roll is not done giving. But you would be wrong. That lonely white square is waving in surrender because that roll is done-zo.
But every now and then some little rascal* will try to get away with leaving you an Exhibit A. They delude themselves into thinking that this isn’t utterly useless. “What, I didn’t leave you with nothing, there was still some on there!” Oh really? What is it that you would have me do with this ‘something?’
First of all, it is one square. Nobody has ever gotten anywhere with just one square. Even if I were one of The Borrowers, or Tinkerbell, or someone else so tiny that a square would suffice, this is no ordinary square. This square is lesser-than. Why do I discriminate against this square, you ask? Because it is glued to the roll. What am I going to do with a piece of paper covered in glue, hmm? Do you know what happens when glue mixes with liquid? I don’t want to wipe glue on myself and end up with my underwear papier-mâchéd to my crotch. I like me some arts and crafts, but not like that.
I suppose I could use the parts of the square that aren’t glued to the tube. Yes, let me just pull off the paper between the ribbons of glue. Now with these litmus strip-like slivers of toilet paper I will handle my business, like I am testing the acidity of my urine one drop at a time. Or maybe I will just grab the tube as is and wipe with that. I’ll just rotate it like I’m buttering some corn-on-the-cob. I mean these are all great options. I don’t know why I am complaining about the bounty of toilet paper you’ve left me!
I understand if you feel bad about letting that last square go to waste. If that is the case, find something to do with it. Use it to smush a bug on the wall. Use it to wipe one nostril of a slightly runny nose. Use it to remove all that excess toothpaste you left on the tube. Or, I dunno, put it in the recycling bin along with the cardboard tube that it is glued to. Do whatever you want, just don’t expect me to wipe my ass with it.
*If you are worrying that you might be the little rascal to whom I am referring, don’t. This post is a reaction to the many times I have been left high and not-so-dry in the bathroom, not to one specific culprit.