Idiot of the Week: Not Every Man’s Best Friend


Today’s Idiot of the Week post comes to us care of Sarah H., who was recently assaulted by our I.O.T.W.’s dog. Poor, sweet Sarah was just walking along, minding her own business, when out of nowhere, I.D.O.T.W. pounced, nearly knocking her to the ground. Did the dog’s owner come chasing after him, apologizing for his behavior? Nah. I.O.T.W. just looked at Sarah with a “Dogs will be dogs” shrug of the shoulders. Yes, I suppose dogs will be dogs…when they are let off their leashes by their idiot owners and left to wreak havoc. Your dog is your responsibility. You need to make some kind of effort to prevent him from harassing innocent bystanders. It’s like those people who bring their kids over to your house and then let them roam free to draw on your walls and make prank 911 calls. That’s not how it works!

Part of the problem is that some dog owners assume that everyone is a dog person, and therefore welcomes the attentions of their furry friends. Who wouldn’t want Buster to come and say hello? Buster is the fucking man! Well, there are some of us out there who – don’t hate me – aren’t “dog people.” This does not mean that we dislike dogs. I do like dogs. I just don’t like them licking my face. I like dogs resting their head on my lap. I don’t like dogs burrowing their nose into my crotch. Some of us didn’t have pets growing up and therefore see these interactions from a very different perspective.

When a dog half our size bounds up to us at a frightening speed and jumps onto our shoulders our reaction is not, “Aw, hi sweetie you like me, you want to give me a hug?” it’s, “Oh my God, this monster dog is going to knock me over! Ouch, claws. Ew, dog breath. Why is this dog looking me in the eye like he wants something from me? Holy shit, he wants to eat my face off, doesn’t he?” When a random dog comes up and licks a dog lover’s face, he is probably thinking, “Hi, you’re such a good boy, I’ll say hi too by kissing your mouth cuz you’re such a good boy!” When a non-dog lover get’s licked in the face by a dog, we think, “RED ALERT. Tongue in mouth. I repeat, tongue in mouth. I have been violated by a turd-licking dog! Somebody help me!” And this doesn’t make us bad people! This doesn’t make us crotchety, prissy pants, no-fun dog haters. I shouldn’t have to feel like a bitch for rejecting your dog’s kiss. I’m sorry if I’m not up for a make-out sesh with a dog who wants to lick the inside of my mouth like it’s an empty jar of peanut butter. I think that is perfectly reasonable. So if you notice that I am feeling more sexually assaulted than charmed by the attentions of your dog, please step in and ensure that he maintains a comfortable distance. I understand that it might not occur to you that your dog is anything less than a bucket of rainbows, but just because he is your best friend does not mean he is mine.

56 thoughts on “Idiot of the Week: Not Every Man’s Best Friend

  1. Pingback: Interviews: How to Put Your Best Foot Forward (and Not in Your Mouth) | Is Everyone an Idiot but Me?

  2. I’m a dog person, but I can’t stand dogs who misbehave — which is almost always the owner’s fault. My two chocolate Labs have passed away and my heart is crying for another dog, but I’m becoming a single mom of four (the youngest are two-year-old twins), so there is not enough time in my life to train a dog, so there is no dog right now. When I have the time to train a dog properly, then I’ll get a dog, but not before.

  3. I have three dogs. None are allowed to lick. I break out in hives. I have a “no lick” command. Probably the only dog owner in the world that has this command.

  4. I’m not a dog person, or a cat person, or a pet person. So when I got married to Kellie made it perfectly clear: no pets. We currently have 2 dogs. At least the 18 cats are gone.

  5. I can give an amen! I’m a dog person, but I feel like most REAL dog people understand that dogs need boundaries and obedience. I love dogs, but can’t stand dogs that don’t have manners. Like: dogs that jump on people or lick crotches or eat food off the counters or out of people’s hands, etc. Love the way you wrote this.

  6. I have a golden retriever and all the small dogs in my neighborhood growl and bark and try to attack him. They think its cute and I can’t understand why they won’t control their little clumps of fur. As a dog lover, I totally get what you’re saying. I just learned that I have to cross the street when I see them coming my way.

  7. Here’s earth-shattering news: I love my dog. But I’ll admit he doesn’t have the greatest manners. When I’m out walking him, he’s always on a leash and I do my best to keep him away from other pedestrians, especially ones with dogs. So it irks me to no end when other dog owners COME RIGHT AT US! “Hey, didn’t you notice me making every effort to avoid you? That’s great that your dog doesn’t bite and loves everyone. Did I mention that my dog tried to eat a pug once? Stay away!”
    PS-I love this IOTW theme 🙂

  8. “Bucket of rainbows”!!! I love it! I have only owned one dog in my life, and he wasn’t the jumpy/sniffy/licky type. However, as a dog lover, I totally get the lack of like on your part.

  9. i think the dog’s are also thinking, oohh he’s such good boy, i’m gonna lick his face cause he’s such a good boy… and uh, he might have just had some chips with lunch. perfect last line. 🙂

  10. one of the first things you should learn as a responsible dog owner is that dogs are not for everyone. If someone wants to approach my dog, fine. But I will not let him approach them.

  11. Excellent points! Our dog is fairly gross most of the time, and since I am not interested in his kiss/nose blowing combo move, I try to protect others as well.

  12. I hate to see dogs lick people’s faces, even if it’s on TV. It really grosses me out. I can’t stand when dogs jump up on me either. I like dogs, but I agree that people need to make sure their dogs are well-behaved.

  13. I’m a dog lover but don’t want random dogs jumping on me. Even I get a bit sickened by other dog lovers who carry on endlessly about their pets as if they are mans best friend. Get a life!
    (Except my dogs who are the sweetest things on earth. I’ll be glad to share photos.)

  14. I like dogs too — but I’ve found that I don’t really care for the loose pack of dogs chasing me down the open country road & getting under my wheels while I’m cycling – with the hound dog baying in front of me the entire way. Oh yes, guess I’ll have to get a blog post up on this subject soon…

  15. I can absolutely relate. I’ve never been a “dog person” exactly–after a few bad run ins with some not-so-nice dogs as a kid it’s taken me a while to get on the bandwagon. And although I would say I do like dogs now, I’m now a fan of their crotch-sniffing, face-licking tendencies. I don’t do well when they start barking at you and the first thought that comes into my head is the same as yours, “he wants to eat my face off!” The worst part is, they can smell that fear! So it only goes downhill from there.

    I’m happy to approach a dog on a leash with a courteous owner, but it’s no fun for anyone when you feel assaulted.

    Great post, I love the humor in it. You painted a very familiar picture for me and I loved every second of it.

  16. So, I have a dog. I love her. I do not love her tongue on my face because she licks her doggy-lady bits with it. So I don’t let her do that. Also, I was terrified of dogs for the first 15 years of my life because my aunt’s dog knocked me down. There are some very scary dogs I have to pass by on my run, so now I cross the street because I don’t want them coming after me. Also, this thing with people taking their non-service dogs with them on planes? It has to stop.
    All that to say you are not at all a bad person for not wanting some strange dog to get all up in your business. I think that’s normal 🙂

  17. I think this dog obsession is getting worse. I found my child playing in the dog section of the store the other day, thinking it was the kid section. She didn’t believe me when I told her the stuff animals were for canines. It aged her a decade and now she knows people are crazy.

  18. Please read my posts: Returning Adopted Pets from February 2013 and (most importantly) Freeze Drying Dead Pets from March 2013. There can be a TON of material out there on these die hard dog and cat people. (My husband once saw a bumper sticker that read “Animals are people in fur coats”. No, animals are animals.)

  19. 90% of the problems we have in our neighborhood are due to dogs (well dog owners).
    Dogs off leash, dogs barking at all hours, people not picking up after dogs, people that want to stand in the middle of the street with their dogs and glare at you because you have the nerve to actually want to drive your car on the road.
    Dogs on the beach… oh man, what a $hit show.
    Dogs are not allowed on the beach. “Yes but my dog likes the beach” Oh well then it’s ok. 😦

  20. I don’t like kisses from my OWN dog. I don’t care if dogs’ mouths are supposedly cleaner. I know for a fact I have not eaten poop in the past 47 years (maybe I did before I was one, but we can forgive and forget, can’t we?) which is more than I can say for Pickles the Chiweenian Princess I recently rescued. I’m with you. Ixnay on isseskay.

  21. A good point! I myself greatly fear dogs. Therefore, I simply cannot stand it when a dog came rushing up even if its tail is wagging like mad. I just turned and run as fast as possible in the other direction.

  22. Ha ha – my husband can relate. He thinks the same think – not everyone loves your cute dog. And that goes double for the barking ones!

  23. I love dogs. I really miss my dog that I “lost” in the divorce. I’m willing to get up close and personal with SOME dogs. Should be my choice. Unfortunately, too many dog owners are oblivious as you note.
    A former boss of mine is convinced that I “hate” dogs. No – I just don’t like her’s!!!!

  24. LOL ! Know what, I can relate ! ! I like dogs, ( and we have a cute one at home ) but because I don’t want to be licked on my face or anywhere on my body doesn’t mean I’m not a true lover of dogs. I just don’t like the sensation of my face being licked by a dog that hasn’t brushed his teeth, ~_~

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