Today’s Idiot of the Week post comes to us care of Sarah H., who was recently assaulted by our I.O.T.W.’s dog. Poor, sweet Sarah was just walking along, minding her own business, when out of nowhere, I.D.O.T.W. pounced, nearly knocking her to the ground. Did the dog’s owner come chasing after him, apologizing for his behavior? Nah. I.O.T.W. just looked at Sarah with a “Dogs will be dogs” shrug of the shoulders. Yes, I suppose dogs will be dogs…when they are let off their leashes by their idiot owners and left to wreak havoc. Your dog is your responsibility. You need to make some kind of effort to prevent him from harassing innocent bystanders. It’s like those people who bring their kids over to your house and then let them roam free to draw on your walls and make prank 911 calls. That’s not how it works!
Part of the problem is that some dog owners assume that everyone is a dog person, and therefore welcomes the attentions of their furry friends. Who wouldn’t want Buster to come and say hello? Buster is the fucking man! Well, there are some of us out there who – don’t hate me – aren’t “dog people.” This does not mean that we dislike dogs. I do like dogs. I just don’t like them licking my face. I like dogs resting their head on my lap. I don’t like dogs burrowing their nose into my crotch. Some of us didn’t have pets growing up and therefore see these interactions from a very different perspective.
When a dog half our size bounds up to us at a frightening speed and jumps onto our shoulders our reaction is not, “Aw, hi sweetie you like me, you want to give me a hug?” it’s, “Oh my God, this monster dog is going to knock me over! Ouch, claws. Ew, dog breath. Why is this dog looking me in the eye like he wants something from me? Holy shit, he wants to eat my face off, doesn’t he?” When a random dog comes up and licks a dog lover’s face, he is probably thinking, “Hi, you’re such a good boy, I’ll say hi too by kissing your mouth cuz you’re such a good boy!” When a non-dog lover get’s licked in the face by a dog, we think, “RED ALERT. Tongue in mouth. I repeat, tongue in mouth. I have been violated by a turd-licking dog! Somebody help me!” And this doesn’t make us bad people! This doesn’t make us crotchety, prissy pants, no-fun dog haters. I shouldn’t have to feel like a bitch for rejecting your dog’s kiss. I’m sorry if I’m not up for a make-out sesh with a dog who wants to lick the inside of my mouth like it’s an empty jar of peanut butter. I think that is perfectly reasonable. So if you notice that I am feeling more sexually assaulted than charmed by the attentions of your dog, please step in and ensure that he maintains a comfortable distance. I understand that it might not occur to you that your dog is anything less than a bucket of rainbows, but just because he is your best friend does not mean he is mine.